DARNELL OUTED (PART 1)
What the hell happened?
Looks like Santa got shot down over Baghdad.
I must have dozed off watching C-Span.
Great. Now I don't know how the senate voted on corn subsidies.
I'm gonna look like an idiot at the Crab Shack tonight.
I just cleaned up today, Darnell.
Look at this mess.
Darnell, whose child is this?
I don't know. Looks like Al and Mary Lou's kid.
Deaf as a doorknob. That's Oliver.
Damn it. What did I tell you about falling asleep with the door open?
People gonna use you as a babysitter.
Now I gotta check the whole house for more.
Hey, buddy.
Are you hungry?
Do you want some...
Shoot, I can't remember the sign for "cheese crunchies."
There's one in the bathtub and two in the hamper.
Boring...
CHiPs! CHiPs!
Please be the one with the robot. Please be the one with the robot.
Randy, this isn't CHiPs.
I don't know what this is.
A new game show where contestants challenge the greatest star
in the history of television to any competition imaginable.
Hot dog eating.
Fencing.
Sewing.
Violining.
Geography.
To find out if they are...
Estrada or nada!
I have a new greatest day of my life.
We truly live in the golden age of television.
You think you got a talent. Well, you can challenge me to anything.
Sushi-making!
What is cosine "X" over "E"?
Sorry, Sanjay.
That's cosine "X" over "E" minus one.
Mathematics.
Lumberjacking.
You'll be judged by our expert panel:
a Hollywood stuntman,
a former Olympian,
and a morning zoo DJ.
With American Idol's one-and-done co-host Brian Dunkleman.
We'll be holding auditions all over America
so you can find out if you're...
Estrada or nada!
Come to auditions next Thursday at the Camden Junior College gymnasium
off the parkway at exit 15, just past the Welding museum.
We're going, Randy, and we're bringing Joy with us.
I was gonna do list item #31:
"Ruined Joy's chance of being on TV."
A few years back, Joy wanted to be on Fear Factor,
so she made an audition tape.
Fear is no factor here, Joe Rogan.
Fear Factor!
She wanted to show she was willing to do anything.
Fear Factor!
No matter how scary.
Get em out! Get em out!
You get it, Randy?
All right, guys, time to put you fellas back in the wall.
And to show that she could look good doing it.
Fear Factor!
Unfortunately, later that day,
me and Randy stole one of those pull guns.
Pull!
I told Joy I mailed the tape,
and since it was still pretty early on in our marriage,
she believed me.
We got to get Joy on that show to challenge Erik Estrada.
I'm gonna challenge him, too, when I think of a talent.
It's not gonna be having the prettiest smile,
'cause his is unbelievable.
I wanted to get Joy on Estrada or Nada,
so I had to tell her the truth about the Fear Factor tape.
Son of a bitch! You never sent the tape?
But remember, we used that pull gun to rob the medical supply place.
You weren't complaining when you got to sit down in the shower.
That was the day I got all those rubber gloves.
For a week, I could put hands anywhere. It was awesome.
So, you faked the rejection letter.
I thought it was weird that Joe Rogan said I came off bitchy
and that I should be nicer to my husband and his brother.
Anyway, Joy, I'm sorry and I'm gonna make it up to you.
I'm gonna get you on Estrada or Nada.
I'm not doing it.
Thanks, Earl, but I gave up on that dream.
What dream?
The dream of being famous.
Turns out, Fear Factor was one of many disappointments in Joy's life.
Since she was a kid, she had her sights set on being famous.
Grammy, I'm gonna be special someday.
I'm gonna be famous.
Doubt it.
You come from a long line of liars, cheats, and harelips.
You're never gonna be famous.
You got failure in your blood.
Your mom is as crooked as a do-it-yourself haircut,
and your poor, dumb daddy,
he was 14 years old before he could even wave good-bye.
Night-night, sugar.
But Joy didn't listen to her grandma.
She still had big dreams, like being a beauty queen.
Wait.
None of these other girls are pretty enough,
so I get to be Miss America for two years in a row?
There's no rule against that?
Oh, there was and you broke it for me?
And to think it all started years ago
when I won Camden's Prettiest Pretty Princess.
But she didn't win that title
because a prettier prettiest princess came along.
When beauty queen didn't work out,
she started to fantasize about being a famous politician.
Wait.
You want me to be the President of USA for two years in a row?
Isn't there a law against that?
There was and you broke it for me?
Well, I am honored to serve.
And to think
it all started when I won president of my sophomore class in high school.
But politics didn't go very well, either.
I'm not just going to be a president for the hotties.
I'm going to be a president for the people.
The fat girls, the nerdy Asians,
you "butta-face" cheerleaders,
and the closeted gays, like quarterback Mikey Shipley,
I've got your backs.
Joy for president.
Nice pass, Shipley!
And years later,
Joy took one more shot at being famous by trying to get on Fear Factor.
Oh, my God. I won the award
for being the most unafraid person on Fear Factor ever?
And my reward is I get to dump my stupid husband
and marry Kevin Bacon?
Isn't there some kind of law against that?
What?
You changed the laws of marriage for me?
And to think this all started a couple weeks ago
when I gave myself dysentery by swallowing that worm.
So, Fear Factor was really just the last straw for me.
That means I didn't just keep you off a TV show,
I killed your childhood dream of being famous.
You did me a favor.
My grammy was right. There are certain people in the world
that are destined to be somebody and I'm not one of them.
I'm not an Estrada. I'm a nada.
Joy, you can't believe that.
My grammy may have been a drunk, racist monster,
but she was a good judge of character and she didn't see any in me.
We're lucky our grandma told us we could be anything.
She told you that?
I bet Erik Estrada can't catch 50 pennies on his elbow.
I'm gonna try 49.
I had trouble getting to sleep,
not just 'cause of Randy,
but 'cause I couldn't stop thinking about Joy.
The thing was, Joy couldn't stop thinking about Joy either.
Seemed like everything she did,
she ended up glimpsing herself in a mirror.
And it made her think of the mirror she looked into
when she was a little girl.
She remembered when she still used to dream.
My goodness.
You're giving me a Nobel Peace Prize
for best performance in a reality TV show?
Is there even a prize for that?
You made one just for me?
And to think this all started
when I beat the chips out of Erik Estrada.
Earl Hickey, you're gonna get me on that TV show.
He's good. I better go practice.
The Camden locals brought out their "A" games
to try out for the new reality show, Estrada or Nada.
Man, I haven't seen a line this long in Camden
since the opening day of the methadone clinic.
That place was a rip-off.
Me and Randy waited in line for two hours
and all we got was a cup of weird tasting orange juice.
Really, Earl? You didn't like it?
I thought it was great.
Remember, I went there every day for a month and then,
when you told me I couldn't go back, I tried to kill you.
Man, that was good orange juice. God, I wish I had some right now.
299...
300.
Everyone with numbers, follow me.
Hey, headset, I didn't get a number.
So don't follow me. We're only seeing 300 contestants.
Dummy! Maid!
You know how much I care about you. Give me your number.
Don't look at me.
I've been training for this moment since I was six.
I can slice an apple in two from 50 paces
or decapitate a man from ten.
Mr. Estrada's choice.
Randy, you gotta help me out. This is for my list.
No way, Earl.
I'm wearing a rubber band so I can hit the high notes.
If I don't go, I'm just some guy on line with a rubber band around his danglers.
I'm gonna snap that rubber band if you don't let me take your number.
Come on, Randy, I really need your number.
- How about we thumb wrestle for it? - No way.
You know I inherited Mom's slow, clumsy thumbs.
How about you give Joy your number and the next list item I do
will be something I make up to you.
Will you do it right now, no waitsies?
Yes, he will. Come on, Darnell.
It's time for me to shine and rub my dead grammy's face in it.
Hope she gets TV reception in hell.
Got it.
He picked #182:
"Played tetherball with Randy's face."
One.
For his audition,
Iqball decided to challenge Erik Estrada at fancy talking.
Alas, poor Yorick.
I knew him, Horatio.
A fellow of infinite jest...
and most excellent fancy.
And win or lose, there was plenty of variety.
Knock, knock.
Who's there...
My favorite audition was the guy who played Ponch
in some stage show called Micro-CHiPs.
Last up is number 300,
Joy Turner.
Finally.
Dunkleman out.
Hack stole it from me.
Hello. My name is Joy Turner,
aka "The Crustacean Sensation."
You keep saying you've got something for me
I don't remember her being that flexible when we were married.
I do.
Sorry, buddy.
These claws were made for walking
And that's just what they'll do
One of these days, these claws are gonna...
The hell?
Which one of you sons of bitches gave me the buzz?
I'm pretty sure Erik wouldn't want to do
something like that.
It's frankly just too silly.
Too silly?
Y'all took a guy that acted out an episode of The Smurfs by himself
and he didn't even sound like Gargamel.
On this show, you're dealing with an Erik Estrada
and Erik enjoys being funny.
He doesn't like being silly.
You tell Erik Estrada
that this is what happens to men that say no to Joy Turner.
I was afraid of this.
Darnell Turner, you let me loose right now.
I'm gonna bite off your nose, Brian Dunkleman,
then we'll see who looks silly.
We all watch the show together at the Crab Shack
just like when there's a plane crash or chemical spill
or when someone we know is involved in a slow-speed chase.
I don't want to watch this crap.
This show is everything that's wrong with America today.
Change the channel.
Celebrity Rehab is on.
No, keep it on. I'm hoping they show my audition.
I didn't split the apple,
but a girl with nice boobies swinging a machete?
Come on!
It's time to find out if you are...
Estrada or nada!
There are nadas who are good sports
and nadas who are bad
and then, there's Joy Turner.
You tell Erik Estrada
that this is what happens to men that say no to Joy Turner.
Darnell Turner, you let me loose right now.
I'm gonna bite off your nose,
then we'll see who looks silly.
Hey, Estrada,
come to Camden and face me like a man.
Pimmit Hills Trailer Park, Lot L,
the one with the bathtub in the front yard.
The small bathtub, not the big one.
Y'all got a problem with that?
'Cause I got another big-ass shoe.
Anybody? Anybody?
I believe that's for me.
I'm gonna need to step away to take this.
- Go for Darnell. - Cool.
Darnell's got a hair phone.
Roger that. Don't worry, I'll destroy it.
Cool!
Darnell blew up his hair phone.
Darnell, what is going on?
While we may laugh at reality TV
for being the lowest form of entertainment,
apparently, the ratings are quite large. 20 million people just saw my face.
My cover has been blown.
Well, I guess all this means I can't cross you off my list.
Hell, no, you can't.
You just humiliated me in front of the whole country,
and you put my husband in danger.
Now you're gonna have to bold, underline
and "italiancize" me on that list.
Actually, Joy, he put us all in danger.
We have to relocate.
I don't get it.
One minute, we're watching TV
and the next you're telling me the FBI is snatching us away
because there's people that want to kill us?
They only want me, but they'll kill whoever else is in the room.
When you say "whoever else is in the room"...?
- Yeah, I mean you. - Well, what about me?
- You, too. - Nice.
If the FBI gets here first, well, you don't want to be here for that.
We only have time to pack the essentials:
clothes, medicine, and my grandma lemon square recipe.
Is she even gonna be your grandma anymore?
Truth be told, she wasn't my real grandmas to begin with.
She testified against Halliburton, but I love her to death.
As you know from the flyers I put up, the candlelight vigils
and the billboard on Third Street, Mr. Turtle remains lost.
The good news is, I gave him plenty of survival training,
so I expect his imminent return.
So, here's his food, his favorite scarf,
and his lip balm for the dry season.
I'm really sorry, Joy.
I feel like this is kind of my fault
for getting you to go on that show.
It's totally your fault.
- Sorry. You weren't talking to me. - He's right.
My childhood dream of being famous
was dead and buried and you dug it up,
made me go on TV
and turned my dream into a nightmare.
- You made me a laughingstock. - Yeah, dummy.
She's not gonna be Joy anymore. I thought I'd try it.
It's not for me.
Joy, I promise I'm gonna make this up to you.
What are my boys doing wearing their bicycle helmets?
Sometimes the pick ups are rough.
Tuck your arms in, fellas. Joy, please hustle.
I'm not hurrying for the government.
I paid their salary the year I did my taxes.
They may tell me I have to move, but I call the rest of the shots:
what I pack, when I pack, how I pack...
- They're gone - I can't believe it.
There are so many things I never got to say to them, like...
Well, maybe I got that covered, but still, I miss them.
I can't just let someone take my ex-wife,
the guy she cheated on me with, and my two "igellitimate" kids.
I promised Joy I'd make her dream come true.
That's the last thing I said to her.
We gotta find them.
There's still a little liquid in mine. I wonder what it tastes like.
Randy, no!
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